so i slept him.
there. its out there.
i crossed that invisible line.
and the funny thing is
i don't care how it'll make my boyfriend see if
if he ever finds out
god, let him never find out
god, let him find out.
no,
i was most worried about
how the other one would see me
when he came back
and i told him
because i had to tell him.
its funny, now,
because it made him open his eyes to me.
i wonder, if i hadnt,
would he have been able to see me,
all grown up and ready for life?
he loves me. he said so.
i love him too.
i love him i love him i love him
i would drop everything
move to newyork
if only he'd ask me.

im all grown up
in the half year since he saw me last
my hairs grown out
my smiles grown wide.
he looks at me the same as he always did,
with only a touch of something different.

i call this fate.

i call this unfair, that he has to leave me again.
and again
and again.

little bird

Through My Eyes

i feel like typing
i don't care what
i went for coffee with dad
and we talked
he told work stories
i told school stories
and we generally
bitched about life.
it felt good.
i tried an egg nog latte
AMAZING.

i'm lost... and alone...
kid i'm right here
and i'm not leaving
there's no way to make you stay
but i'm saving all my worries
for
that day you don't need me...

my heart aches.
everytime i see him
and i would like you to understand
that i would drop you in a millisecond
to be home
and have them
and be. with. him.
just understand that.

i am APPARENTLY the only one writing
on this ol' blog lately
funny how it's " ol' " once it's no longer
shiny and new
did you know that girls disgust me?
well okay.
the girls HERE.
maybe not ...
no there are a few that disgust me there too.
i feel like i've changed.
not for the worse.
not really for the better.
just. changed.
and i remember.
when he changed.
and i was baffled to no end.
and now.
i think i've changed the same way.
and my current boy
is my me.
with all of his innocent barriers
that keep him from my world
and seeing through my eyes
because my eyes...
Lord to see through my eyes...

-little bird.

To Heckle the Location of Driving

There's some little person
Humming.
In the back of my mind.

You see
Dear friend
I am in a million places
At once

I am home
I am here
I am at work
I am beside you
I am across from you
I am at school
I am at MY school
I am here.
There.
EVERYWHERE.

Either way, I am driving today
Dad instructs
Brothers cower in the back seats.
Good news.
The car does not hate me.
(Like all other things do)
We get along well.

I listened to the apartment
across from us
have sex
(loudly)
at 1 a.m. last night
I was unimpressed.
At one a.m.?
I had to work in five hours.

Little Bird and I talked
On her break
It's good to hear her voice again

Bunny's voice has been logged away
In my memory treasure chest
Locked in the back of my mind
From when she visited last.

I heckled her boyfriend
"Hope you don't mind the formality."
"No. Grill away!"

nearer the end:
"You're alright. I approve from this distance!
We shall talk again I am sure."
"For sure!
And [Little Bird] said to be afraid..."
"Most definately. Just don't mess it up."

And etc.

Well blogging world.
I am hungry and homework-ridden.
See you on the flip side!!

- little star

Cheater cheater pumpkin eater

you drove me home.
we sat in your car in front of my house. the curtains were drawn.

i shivered. its colder now that the sun's set.

you turned on the heating for me seat.

i thanked you.

we sat.

we talked
i was awkward

you were expectant.

finally,

i did it.

i jumped.

i stood at the fight or flight

and fought.

I leaned in and kissed him.
and you kissed me

with a bit of a smile.

a talented

magical

kiss.

Sweet and gentle and slow and passionate and insistant.

There was no mistaking anything in that kiss.

it was flavoured with you and me and the sense that

we've all the time in the world because nothing's going to change how we feel except ourselves.

And then i was akward and blushing and so happy my heart literally felt it was going to burst.

and we talked

and you touched my leg

and i brushed your hand with my fingers
and we spoke of my boyfriend and your girlfriend

what would happen if they knew

how much karma's going to hate us

how much of a bitch you are to me when others are around, because you have to be.
and then how you were currently standing her up, to sit here with me.

i adomished you

we kissed again

noses tip to tip

foreheads resting against eachother.

slow, lazy, sweet kisses that can only be described as

perfect.

and now my heart is in limbo

not knowing what to do

or what it wants

besides that it is feeling

right this second

like it wants to be back in the car.

i can't get anything straight lately.

but i know my guilt will come along the next time i see him; see him and remember your hand on my face your lips on my mouth. and know that your fingers on the inside of my elbow is better than his hand on my thiegh lips on my neck...

i've never been like this before.

Faith in a Box

Its hitting me recently
That I hate high school

I am a very
...
fluid
person.
I can get along with almost everyone
Because of it
But I am noticing it more so
In my small town
Small catholic school
In my 29 person grad class
That I can switch gears instantly
I can be the quiet one
I can be the loud one
I can be flirty one second
And professional the next
I can be anything
At the snap of a finger

I can't tell if it's good or bad
Is it alright that all these persona's
lie.
In me just waiting to show?

I also realized
that my moving to this small town
To be sheltered
and smothered
and blocked in
and my attendance to this catholic school
to do daily prayer
and look upon a cross
no matter where i look

Has put my own faith in a box.
and sealed it.
and stowed it away.
in a corner somewhere.
half forgotten
as i skip mass.
and scorn the hypocritical ways.
funny
how i have and perhaps always will

work exactly the opposite way
of the way you push me.

-little star

don't fix what's broken

You looked me in the eye and said that all girls want a guy they can fix.
listen here hun,
i'm not like that.
i've had more than my fill of boys
who need a mother.
who need a doctor
who need a shoulder
who need to be fixed like a dog needs to be praised.
I'm full.
What I'm starving for
is a
MAN
Confident and assured and strong and sexual.
I don't want to lead.
I do not want to fix or repair you.
I don't even want perfection.
I want you to be aware and fine with your faults and your past.
dear boys of the world
I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER.
and i won't play that role anymore.
fix yourself
while daddy and i go play.
Besides
while i fix you
i'll resent you.
Once you're fixed
we'll be through.
Once you're fixed
you're not the same person I wanted.

DEAR MAN I RECENTLY MET
i know i seem like i've been flying away from you and towards you at break neck speed in both directions.
I know you aren't sure where I stand.
but now I know at least.
I'm not standing.
I'm walking towards you.
You and your faults and your joy.
And I can just hope that you open your arms for me and mine.
We both know that this is something we can't ignore.

-little bird

Old Piece and Un-matched Signs

"well it's these deep midnight hours
that find me awake
and the memory of you
i've burned at the stake
it's this sunshine and sunrise
i'll see in the morn
and that beautiful calm at the end of the storm"





okay so i wrote that a while ago. i'm talkin'...


a long while ago.


i came across it today. and this part jumped out.





the signs aren't matching up lately.


i gotta say. that me and relationships.


FAIL.


bigging. effing. fail.


SMACK.


top of the page in red, blotchy ink.





i think. i flirt too much.


and allow myself to be...


now what's the word.


passive?


INACTIVE.


i figure.


i'll wait it out.


why not right?


everything will work in the end.


guess what.





things still haven't worked out.

- star

Notes on a Bird

I can't really understand why people
CERTAIN PEOPLE
just have this need
to get up and go.
I
am one of those people.
And I'm an extestentialist.
But I refuse to look at my choices as choices made in bad faith
(yay philosophy class for actually TEACHING me something about myself!)
I never look to myself and say
well it's up to you to fix it little bird. you got yourself here. how are you gonna get us out?
It's something I should work on.
Why do I skip classes?, for example
First order desire.
I DON'T THINK THINGS THROUGH.
And that gets me in a shit load of trouble.
I move too fast. I don't organize my desires and my beliefs.
Dear world, this just in,
I have no idea what I'm doing.
Although I project the image that I do.
Although I pretend and lie to myself
that I do.
And I have no idea how to make a permenant change.
But I know I need to start.
And that's the first step.

That's all for whats on my mind today guys.

Chapter I Page I

"I HAVE AN IDEA!" says I.
"WHAT!" says Bird.
"LET'S MAKE A BLOG-"
"FOR US!" she finished.

our lives are stories.
insane, completely packed.
soap opera disgusting.
hilariously tragic.
and fabulous.
we don't live in the same city right now.
but we will soon.
this is our story.
in three different voices.

we may be the only eyes to this site.
but if and when you tumble across it.
hi there. from all three of us.
we are contrasting and yet we blend and walk in step
just fine.
nice to meet you.

-star